by : Aoisuna no Wan

"I enjoy your company, o’ dreamer. You have your reasons, even behind that cracked halo and smile. Please bear with us a little longer. I'm sure that, one day, time will start moving for you, too."

His name is Teluk. He’s a freshman at UGM Faculty of Cultural Science. He’s currently sitting on a food court bench. He was invited to a festival by his friends, but they left him suddenly to look at something. He is eating some snacks he just bought; one of them is a fortune cookie. He cracks it open and eats it. He unrolls the paper as the cold evening wind breezes through his body. He shivers a bit before reading what the paper says.

“You have done enough for them. Erase your smile, uncover your ears, and wipe all that blood off your eyes. Time will finally be ticking for you.”

‘Heh, as if,’ he thought. He was about to throw it away when he saw a person walking past him. Long hair cascading down her back, white smooth skin, yet a sorrowful expression on the girl’s face. He felt like the world was frozen. He saw her disappear amongst the crowd.

He swiftly chases the girl. He felt something deep inside. That expression reminded him of a bad past he tried to forget. He couldn’t just sit there and forget. This isn’t Twitter where he can just refresh his page; this is not something he can ignore.

He runs faster and faster. He accidentally runs into a couple because he was not focusing on his path. No one is hurt, and he apologizes to the man he hit. The woman is fine, but the man gives him a spiteful stare. He apologizes again and continues chasing the girl.

He shivers, not because of the wind but because of the stares he received earlier. His dad used to look at him like that, his mom too. “A failed kid.” “He will always be in his brother’s shadow.” The thoughts come back, and he tries to make them go away, but he can’t. He can’t forget that stare, just like he can’t forget all his past.

“Hahaha, you all suck! Chase me if you can!” He saw a bunch of kids playing and chasing each other; they ran past him. A flow of memories came back to him again. He realizes he never really had friends before; they were just using him for their own good. He has an older brother, but they rarely meet each other as his brother is studying abroad. He knows a lot of people, but...never mind, they are a different case after all.

He ran again. He saw the girl’s silhouette going up the hill ahead. He ran faster than he ever had. He laughed as he thought about his past, his life, and what he is currently doing. He wanted to run away from his past. He tried closing his eyes to people, but he couldn’t see their faces anyway... but it didn’t really help. He listens to music to brighten his mood, to inspire himself...to implant fake resolutions in his head, to deceive himself. He tried to close his heart because being kind to people hurts so bad. And now, he is trying to see where the girl is going. He hears a lot of noise... laughter, crying, anger, and...his heart. He hears his heart beating so fast. It is painful to push himself this far, but it is also painful to see the same expression he had on that girl’s face.

He ran up the hill, tired as he was, he thought of something to distract him. At first, he could never love someone so earnestly, but at least he never got robbed of anything. Then his ‘friends’ placed a bucket of flowers on top of his table. At least dinner is on the table back home. But then his father left him. What can he use to stand up? His feet won’t stand up, blood won’t stop coming out of his eyes, he can’t scream. Envy. If kindness breeds hate, he can show them what hatred is. He lived his next years with envy, spite, and...hope in his heart. He snapped out of his thoughts and realized he was already halfway to the top of the hill. He saw something in the corner of his eye, two silhouettes. A little kid holding a pillow...and holding his tears, and a teen playing with his phone. “Bastard! There’s a girl trying to... help her!” he screamed inside.

He drowns in thought again, squeezing all the effort he can to run. He has saved his energy all this time, not helping people because they are not worthy of it. So please come...that’s not how logic works, is it? He remembered when he was in high school, he was still alone, even doing group assignments alone. Spending his break time reading books in the library. Writing...being a writer...releasing a book for all to see... All of that was just part of a rejected dream. And so, with that resolution in his head every time, he daydreams in the library just to be woken by a lullaby he will never hear again. Three years of loneliness, in school, in his own home, but that’s part of his fate, so he can’t do anything about it. He arrives at the top of the hill. Another two silhouettes appear. A teen older than the previous one, looking at him with despise. The other one smiles like a clown, laughing at him. “WOE, she’s there! Help her!” He gathered all the courage he could and when he was about to stop her, the four silhouettes were gone, and the girl looked at him, tears flowing down her beautiful face.

“Hey, before you do what I think you will do, listen to me-”

“Isn’t it painful?” the girl abruptly interrupts him.

“Eh? Pardon?”

“You always give your time for them, but how about you?” At this moment, he realizes. She cried not because something happened to her; she is crying because of him. He never had someone care for him, moreover crying for him. He is very afraid to answer.

“They can be saved, they haven’t drowned yet, that is enough reason to help them. Just like a candle.”

“A candle that is drowning. Isn’t that the same as saying you are already dead?”

“Well, I am fine as you can see. I will give them my heat as long as they need it.”

“Another lie, you say that but you also thought that one day, your fire will burn yourself until nothing is left of you.”

“Haha busted, but don’t worry I’m fine.”

“You say that every time. Just like you say sorry every night. To your father that left you. To your brother that you hate, to the friends you hurt, but never to yourself.”

“I know how it feels to be at the bottom, so while I’m here I will help them bounce up again...but yeah it stings a bit to be alone. I know that they will use me as they please and leave me the second after that...I hate them all.”

“You hate people, but you are still hoping for something...what are you trying to achieve with that undying feeling inside your shattered heart?”

“I don’t really know, I grew up to serve but also to hate. I guess just like my jealousy towards my brother, I also love him. He went through harsher treatment and stood at the top. I guess it is just my recklessness. I guess I just want someone to accept me as I am.”

“Accept you? Then who are you?”

“That’s a silly question, missy. I am—” Who am I? I am the second child of my family— that ‘me’ who sacrifices his youth to achieve expectations and fails. ‘I’ failed the person who is ‘my’ world. — I am not the kid who wants his father back.

And then the world failed ‘me’ again for no reason. I have been kind, yet they butcher me part by part. I have had enough. I am tired. I am—ah yeah... I just need to kill ‘myself’ again. — I am not the teen who wants some friends.

High school is painful, but I managed to live through it — hey, maybe I can claim that identity as the true myself—

“Memento Mori.” I have forgotten what my parents taught me since I was a child. All things that are alive will die someday. Sayonara, Grandfather.

Ah yes... this new page, now tainted with ink, just like the ink I saw flowing from my body in the shower earlier. I wish it were wine instead, so I could drink and forget. I could forget seeing my grandfather’s lifeless body, the day my mom told me to die, and the day my father left. But wine only makes you forget briefly; the scars remain.

“Who are you, o’ candle, o’ sinner, o’ dreamer?”

“I—I don’t know. Please tell me, I don’t want to cry. My—”

“Your grandfather won’t be mad at you. You have made him proud. You did. You can cry as much as you want.”

“Crying won’t solve anything. I need to—”

“You need to what? Who told you that? Your father? You have been chained to crimes you didn’t commit, and your father isn’t here anymore.”

“Then what do I do?”

“You have sacrificed yourself to become the current you. You can do whatever you want. You are strong and—”

“But I didn’t want to be strong. I don’t want to be clever. I just want...my family. But I know I cannot be greedy. My grandfather is already resting in peace and I also cannot rewind time.” “You don’t need to. I salute your commitment. For whatever reason you told yourself to keep living, keep doing that. Whether that is to go live in another country, to go to your favorite artist’s concert...anything! Because as silly as it is, that’s the reason you can bear all that sorrow. You can rest as much as you want, you don’t need to run to achieve your future. You can walk, take a rest midway, fast or slow it doesn’t matter. The future won’t creep up behind you suddenly. It will come closer slowly day by day, you can take your time preparing. You... are free.”

I saw the four silhouettes manifesting around me...yeah, now I know who I am. I am not as kind as that kid. I am not as resentful as that teen. I am not alone anymore, not like the other teen. I am not that persona of envy I always think I am. I still have kindness inside my heart, I still have sins inside my heart. But I also have family, friends, and memories to accompany me. To remind me and guide me.

“Yes, thanks for waking me up...Miss?”

“Oh, you can call me Lala. I’m just a piece of your mind. One that will come whenever you forget you have people who will encourage you. Enjoy the festival; I think your friends are looking for you.”

“Lala...Bye,” I looked at the evening sky and sighed. This has been a long journey. But this is not the end. This is merely the beginning of a new story.

“Teluk! Sorry for leaving so suddenly, we were too excited to hear the idol singing,” one of my friends, Sakha, came running.